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Saturday, March 4, 2017

On Being a 30 Year Old Introvert

I am 30 years old with a husband and two kids. When it comes down to it, I am an introvert. As I get older, I'm finding it more difficult to cope physiologically. I can count on one hand the number of friends I have, and I only have one who actually lives in the same state. I don't have any mommy friends. I don't go out for girl's night, and you can usually find me at home.

I have always been an introvert, but I was not nearly this bad when I was young. In school I always had a group of friends. Sometimes that group would be small, but sometimes I would feel like I really belonged. In high school I yearned to have a normal teenage life and found myself making up lies just to leave the house and hang out with friends. Since I wasn't allowed to play sports, I did my best to belong by joining clubs and participating in school events. Sure, I wasn't the most popular girl in high school. I was probably more on the dorky side, but I did my best socially.

Senior Picnic - 2004
hanging out with friends in high school

College was a game changer for me. I never left my childhood home, and college was even closer than my high school. I walked to campus every morning and walked back home every night. I never had a roommate. I never joined any clubs. I went to a few parties during my senior year when I moved out of my parent's house. Out of those four years I met a handful of people, but only one of them stuck around. Thanks, hubby. The college social life failed me, but then again I wasn't trying very hard. You won't find me at any college reunions.

oddly enough, I still had some high school friends (+ Cyn & H) who wanted to celebrate my 21st birthday with me in college

Out of school and out of luck finding a job, depression hit hard. My self esteem fell to an all time low, and I had a difficult time getting back up. Almost 10 years later, and I haven't recovered. Memories of that time are still fresh, and my prospect of ever having a career have vanished.

Now as a wife and mother, being an introvert isn't healthy for my mental state. When I run into hard times, I only have my husband to turn to. I can't convince myself to join local mommy groups, and I keep conversations short when speaking to parents at preschool. I distance myself when possible. The first few years of parenthood were difficult without any support. Luckily I found myself an online community of amazing parents, and I finally felt like I belonged. Who needs real one on one in person interactions when there is an online community? Well apparently I do. I stopped regularly visiting the site, and now I only talk to those group of women on social media. I'm thinking maybe I should stop that too.

Halloween on Main Street
now this is what I look like... as seen with two kids in hand

I've noticed that in the past year I've been slipping faster and faster, digging myself deeper into the hole. I have forgotten about hobbies, and I have given up on dreams. I have turned myself into a machine. Wake up, take care of my family and house, and go to sleep. Even humans have limits, and I'm reaching mine. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this to myself.

I know what I need to do. I just don't know how to do it. I don't know how to find the motivation and drive. I'm an introvert who needs social stimulation. I'm an introvert who is yearning to discover something new and exciting. I need to find my identity outside of being just a wife and a mother. I need to find confidence in myself. I need to make new friends. I need to find a hobby and rediscover old ones. I need to carve out time for myself. I need to stop neglecting myself and remember that I'm important too. Right?

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

A New Post? Eh...


*chirp, chirp*

So I guess that last post never took off, eh? Well a few things have happened since then that's worthy of sharing. Here goes!

I turned THIRTY! I'm old. It's official.

Celebrating 30th
on my 30th birthday... *cringe*

Both of my kids are in school (sort of). I have a whole 7.5 hours to myself during the week (broken up into three mornings for about 2.5 hours each time). What am I going to do with all of my free time? Oh yeah... clean, run errands, meal prep, laundry, and so much more. No worries. Sometimes I just sit at the laptop and do absolutely nothing productive. Go me!

I look amazing, right? Haha. Laziness is the best.

I finally scheduled appointments to visit medical professionals to check up on my health. It's an incredible feat because I have the biggest fear of doctors. This is what happens when you grow up without health insurance. The appointments were pretty boring, and I'm healthy. I was kind of hoping for some big news or health scare to punish me for putting this off for so many years. Well all of this was strangely satisfying. Now I can move forward and do this on an annual basis instead of being scared of doctors.

My kids still drive me bonkers. That's normal, right? E is 5 years old, in Kindergarten, and totally Pokemon obsessed. O is 3 years old, started preschool, and still crazy about construction vehicles. They test my patience on a daily basis, but they are shaping up to be cute little humans who have so much personality. As a parent, I'm constantly learning and adapting. Now E and O, if you could just ditch the tantrums, I think we can all stay sane. Thanks.

Oliver's 1st Day of School
E + O ready to go to school. *tear* They're growing up.

I'm currently listening to the soundtrack of La La Land. It's strangely therapeutic. Oh and when did theaters start installing reclining seats and assigning seats? It's amazing!

So my thoughts are all over the place. Sounds about right. 

Will I start blogging again? Don't count on it. I'll be lucky if I can update once a year. Sheesh. I'm getting old and not cool enough to blog. I miss the old days of Xanga and Live Journal. Blogs are so commercial now. Boo.

Did you enjoy my quick comeback? Maybe I'll entertain you guys with another post in the future. Miss blogging and miss connecting with all 2 of you who read this blog. Haha.