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Friday, January 8, 2016

Thoughts on College, Work, and "What Now?"

It has been almost 8 years since I graduated college. Of those 8 years, I only worked for one of them. I spent a year looking for a job with lots of disappointments along the way. I was buried into a deep state of depression, and some of those feelings still linger today. I was fortunate to have a supporting fiance at the time, and my soon-to-be in-law's welcomed me into their home and their lives. It was a dark time for me, and somehow I got through it. The job that I did hold for a year wasn't ideal. It didn't require my education, and the pay reflected that. I couldn't proudly tell people what I did for a living because it wasn't what I wanted to do for the next 5 years.

As soon as I was pregnant, I didn't feel able to continue working and left the job. Luckily H and I could financially swing me being a stay at home mom. It wasn't easy, and we probably struggled a lot in the first couple of years. I don't remember too much of that. I just remember the struggle to stay afloat with our first born child. It wasn't easy.

So what did college do for me? Honestly not much. The education I received was fine. I didn't grow much as an adult by attending college. I had more responsibilities than I ever wanted as a teenager helping my parents. I lived at home and walked to campus everyday. It wasn't far, closer than some dorms and apartments. College was an extension of high school. I never left home. Heck, college was closer than my high school by a mile or so. Then I graduated, and the rejections came one after another. No one could provide me the comfort and advice I needed to get past this rough stage.

What will my college degree do for me now? Absolutely nothing. When the time comes for me to enter back in the work force, where do I even begin? I have to start from the bottom, and even then, no one wants to hire a person who hasn't contributed to society for the last 5+ years. My outdated education cannot help me. My experience... well I have none. I fear the day when both of my kids are in school, and I have no choice but to get out there and face the rejections that await me.

Going back to school is an option, right? Maybe not. If my first degree didn't work out for me, then how will another degree help? I don't have time or money to waste anymore. I'm not young. I have learned that a degree cannot guarantee me a fulfilling career. I cannot predict a healthy or weak economy. I cannot waste money when my kids depend on it.

Why even vent? These thoughts haunt me. I feel inadequate. Being surrounded by working people makes me feel small. People judge, whether or not they say it out loud or with their body language. People who are successful are the most intimidating to me.

Being a stay at home mom is not easy. I struggle keeping afloat some days. My kids drive me bonkers on more occasions than I would like. I can't keep the house clean, and I fail at being the ideal mother. Some assume it's an easy job, but it's far from it. =/

If you made it through this post, you're pretty amazing. Thanks for listening to my rant. It feels good to get this off my chest. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. I'm just trying to sort out my thoughts and figure out what's ahead in this crazy journey called life.