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Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Dreaded Question...

Now that Little E is nearing his 2nd birthday, I am being asked the dreaded question of when we will plan for the next kid. I either turn the question around (So when are YOU having a kid?) or smile nicely, nod, and look away.

I remember the weekend that I was going through my miscarriage. We had to attend H's cousin's graduation, and it wasn't the best time for me. Since family members traveled to attend, literally every family member on H's side was there. People started to ask that very question that I was dreading. I tried my best to keep calm and just smile, but I broke down and had a little nice cry fest outside. I think my father in-law saw me cry, but he didn't ask any questions. It took a few months before I could pull myself together and not break down every time someone asked.

I am not pregnant now and don't plan on being pregnant for a while. I am completely content with Little E and our small family of three. After giving birth and taking care of a baby, I almost ruled out having more kids altogether. It was so difficult, especially when I felt like we were doing it all alone (not true but that's how it felt at the time). I couldn't imagine having more than one baby to take care of, and having mental break downs on a daily basis for the rest of my life didn't sound so enticing. Now that Little E is a toddler, he is so much fun to be around. Everyday is a new day of discovery, and we love being part of it. It definitely gets easier.

Ocean City MD - July 2012 
being a family of 3 isn't so bad when we're having so much fun

Am I ready to tackle taking care of both a baby and a toddler? I'm not so sure. I know that Little E is ready. He is so kind and gently towards his baby cousin, and it makes my heart melt when he tries to comfort her when she cries. What about me? Can I really focus on two kids at once? I watched my niece for two days, and it was the most difficult two days of being a parent. I had no breaks, and one child was always being neglected. It was the worst feeling knowing that Little E didn't have my full attention and that he was told to wait for so long. While it will be a challenge, it has to be manageable, right?

09.12.12 Instax
Little E meeting his cousin for the first time -- he wasn't so nice to her that day & it took a few more meetings before he warmed up to her

I know I'm not ready mentally for the process of getting pregnant again. Having experienced a miscarriage, I will always live in fear of it happening again. Honestly, H and I have never tried to get pregnant before so this is a whole new ballgame for us. It can take months, and will I be okay emotionally each month that it doesn't work out?

How much longer will people pester me about having another kid before they just stop asking? How do you deal with the dreaded question?


Annie said...

I feel like people will always ask :( I haven't even had our FIRST kid yet and they're already asking when the second was coming. The worst was when I was having all those fertility problems and people kept asking me why we weren't having a kid yet... isn't it about time?

I used to smile too, nod... haha, soon. etc. But then I started telling them about my fertility problems and they felt SO BAD! Which, wasn't my intention. But it got them to back off.

Hang in there sweetie and if you ever need to talk, I'm here!

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