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Friday, January 25, 2013

OMG.... AM I STILL ALIVE?

Yes.

Where have I been hiding for the past 3 months? I must have been under a rock somewhere in order for me to abandon this blog for so long. I guess life just takes over, and most of my days are spent being a "housewife." Can I hire a professional chef? I'm getting so tired of cooking and washing dishes. Maybe I'll take a babysitter too. Toddlers are not easy to take care of. Mine likes to run and jump around everywhere. I rarely see him walk, and when he does it's to avoid all the toys on the ground.

Quite honestly, a few personal things have taken up my time, and it's difficult for me to find the right time to open up. When I do find the time to sit down and blog, I tense up and click out of the tab. I'm just not ready. So why not just forget about it and pretend like my life is on the path to happiness and success? I don't want to sugar coat my life.

So here goes... about 8 months ago I lost #2. I only knew I was pregnant for a few days before I experienced my miscarriage. It was the worst week of my life. I didn't have anyone to turn to except for H, and he couldn't understand the pain I was going through. I felt paralyzed and could barely function. I was angry with myself. I was so happy to see the positive test result that I jumped into baby mode. I wrote down plans for the next couple of months and envisioned what life would be like as a family of four. I forgot to be cautious. I let myself experience this joy only to have it followed by pain. 8 months later, and I feel better. I can't ever forget, but I can live in the moment and enjoy the thrills of seeing Little E grow. When the time is right, we will try again.

The next couple of thoughts are even more difficult to type. I have spent a lot of time digging my feelings deeper and deeper so that I don't have to come face to face with them. My dad is 81 years old, and he is starting to reach that stage of old age that scares me. Without getting into too many details, I think he is experiencing dementia as well as depression. He has been in a constant state of panic and worry for the past year and a half. It changed him. Now it is much worse, and I don't want to accept it. Last month he fell down a flight of stairs and had to stay in the hospital for a few days. Luckily there were no broken bones and only a few fractures in his face. Every hospital visit affects his mental condition, and it breaks my heart. I do my best to avoid experiencing these feelings of sadness because I have to be strong.

I have good reason to take a break from blogging. It feels good write down the biggest changes in my life. I will try my best to update on my life and probably back track a bit for my own recording purposes. Don't be surprised to see pictures of the beach followed by pictures of Santa and snow. I'll even throw in some deeper posts about my current state and how I'm doing. Thanks for everyone out there who reads my blog or stumbles upon it. You guys are awesome.

Because no post should ever be without a photo, this is my family :)

Photo Booth 2012

3 comments:

More Than Rubies said...

Huuuuuuuugs. I hope things settle down or change...I think of you often! XOXO.

Anonymous said...

So good to hear that you're alive and so sorry to hear about #2, I pray and hope your days get brighter and brighter each day from now on out. Continue to be strong and try to pamper yourself from time to time by doing something that cheers you you! In this life, nothing ever stays the same and even in the darkest moments of life, they don't stay that way forever. You're already so brave to be transparent about those big things, you may not know or see yourself that way, but you're already a strong woman. Love your blog and know that you're not alone. God bless you! *hugs*

Annie said...

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. :( I can't imagine how hard it was and you are so brave for sharing this. I hope that you will be able to heal and I'm sending so many hugs to you.

xoxo

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