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Monday, November 21, 2011

Recognizing My Problem...

Something is missing. I can't always pin point exactly what it is, but I spend a majority of my day feeling less than stellar. Is it depression? Possibly?

Parenthood is difficult. I didn't expect it to be easy, and I knew that it would bring about lots of challenges.  The first couple of months were brutal. I was all on my own during the day taking care of an infant. On top of the usual feed, play, change diaper routine, I was pumping every 2 hours. I never had time to myself, and I desperately wanted things to get better. Every new change in Baby E also meant a new change to our schedule. Every step forward that we took was always followed by one step back. It felt like nothing ever got easier, just more manageable for a short amount of time. I fell apart and would break down almost on a weekly basis. I cried for so many nights and felt so defeated.

Elliot in Car Seat
Baby E on May 26th - one month old
constantly on the move and trying to fight mommy & daddy

Then it started to actually get easier without stepping backwards. Baby E started rolling and moving around. He developed a super awesome personality and found ways to communicate with us. He stopped eating every 2 hours, increased his intake per bottle (from 3.5 oz to 5.0 oz), and started to eat every 3 hours.  I gradually started to go longer between pumps, from 2 hours to 3-4 hours. We established a bedtime schedule, and he went from 3-4 middle of the night feedings down to 1. He dropped a few naps, and now we're down to 2, both of which last between 90 minutes and 120 minutes. He goes down for the night between 6:00 pm and 6:30 pm.

Hanging Out with Ham
Baby E on October 6th - 5.5 months old
loving life and loving his Ham

H and I finally have time for ourselves at night. We can cook dinner and eat together without interruption. We can sit down on the couch and watch an entire movie. We can have a babysitter watch Baby E for the night and not worry about a thing. It is a great feeling.

Ocean City 2011
Family Photobooth Fun in Ocean City - Baby E 4.5 months old

So it is official. It has gotten easier. Of course there are always challenges, and it keeps life interesting. I love living in the moment and seeing my baby grow. Sometimes I even miss the days when he was itty bitty. I know that I will continue to enjoy each milestone of his. I am looking forward to his 1st birthday, the moment he learns to walk on his own, hearing his first word, and so much more.

What's missing? Life is getting better. Taking care of Baby E has gotten easier. I no longer break down on a weekly basis. Well maybe I do but in a very different way. I find myself buried deep in thoughts. I beat myself up over every flaw and every failure. I am constantly on the move trying to accomplish 10 things at once and then being so overwhelmed that I actually don't get anything done. I feel constant pressure to be super mom and super wife, and I believe that I fail at both. I can't do everything, but I feel like I have to. I feel like everyone is watching and scrutinizing my ability to be a stay at home mother. I no longer feel like myself anymore...

I have concluded that my issues are much deeper than I sometimes even realize. I recognize that I have a problem, whether it is defined as depression or not. I need to make the step to analyze my life and figure out why I feel the way I do. This is my first step -- realizing I have a problem. Next up -- finding an outlet to express my feelings. That is where my blog steps in...


DFig said...

This post gives me hope. I found it when googling and now feel like I have something to look forward too.
My baby is 6 weeks old and we are struggling with breastfeeding (I read your post on that too and again, thank you! I was feeling so bad about supplementing with formula). It's always nice to hear that someone else feels (or felt) the same way you do.

You blog is nice. I'll keep reading. You can check out mine, but it's way out of date since I got pregnant and had the baby but I'll start adding baby updates (for my family) soon and more cooking :)

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