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Thursday, August 18, 2011

Debbie Downer Moment

I went to H's high school reunion this past weekend.  I had a good time and enjoyed the well organized festivities.  It got me thinking about my own reunion.  At first it was a no brainer.  I would most definitely go to my reunion, but that feeling has changed. I don't think I am successful enough to feel adequate in such an environment. Everyone asks the same questions...

Where do you live?
What do you do?
Are you in a relationship?  Married?  Children?

My answer?  I live in the same city I've lived in my whole life.  I am happily married and have a pretty awesome little family.  What do I do?  Well... I'm a stay at home mother.  *whomp, whomp, whomp*  Ouch.  Way to put myself down.

I went to college.  I graduated.  I was jobless for a year, and then I worked but not in my ideal environment.  Now I take care of my family.  It's not much to brag about.

How do you define success?  For some, I can be considered successful (graduated college, married, living in a house, raising my baby).  To others, I am lacking (not very career oriented/never had a career, not contributing financially to family income, etc.). Personally, I don't feel very accomplished.  I don't feel good about myself.  I am a failure.

Maybe part of it is being socially accepted.  In our society, women are supposed to be super humans.  They juggle having a family and a career.  Am I less of a person because I don't work?  Maybe that's how I feel.

Do I want to work right now?  No.  I want to stay home and take care of my baby.  I want to be there for him and provide him with the best of everything.  I want to be there when he smiles.  I want to be there when he cries. He is my world.  I can't imagine putting him in daycare and missing out on 40+ hours of his life every single week.

*talks to self* Yin, stop being so sad.  Suck it up!  You have a great life.  Don't worry about what others think.  You have many years ahead to do what you love in life.  It doesn't matter that a career never developed straight out of college.  You wouldn't have been happy anyways.  You want to make a difference in the world and feel good doing it.  That is mighty hard to do that when companies only care about making money. You care about others.  Take it one step at a time.  You're a mother, and your baby loves hanging out with you.  Your husband is awesome and supports every single thing you do.  Right now focus on being the best mommy and wifey ever.  Don't sweat the small stuff.

*takes a breath*


Curly Adventures said...

I'm totally not going to reunion. Eff all that hanging out with people I didn't even like. I'd much rather babysit for you than look at all those people and their "I'm so much better than you now" attitudes.

Also, you're not less of a person and you don't not work. People put "homemaker" or "stay at home mom" on their resumes. It's definitely work, and it definitely deserves to be respected. If someone can't respect you pushing out a baby, just tell them to suck it.

Yin said...

In the working society, "homemaker" is not highly looked up upon. It means that you stopped working to take care of your family. Employers hate that.

animeniac206 said...

I think part of not feeling successful is our own personal goal.

When we were younger, we kinda want to have things a certain way at certain age. (Even if we don't really carefully plan it out) We just have our own expectations on what should happen. So when things turn out differently, we feel like we failed.

Like when we go to school, we still want to either get good grade or pass the class and graduate. Then plan to go to college and get a certain degree. Or when raising a child, we teach them to be a certain way and want them to grow up to be a certain way. But if in the future things become different than what we immagined, we feel like we are a failure.

But Yin, you seem happy just where you are now. So don't think too far back or too far ahead because... today is already here.

animeniac206 said...

I posted something a bit different, but similar to that, but once again, I fail at using the computer. So I accidently pressed "Backspace" and went back, so it erased what I originally wrote. Sorry. Blahh...

Yin said...

@animeniac206: I guess my personal goal (and expectation at the time) was to graduate from college and start a career soon after. That didn't happen, and I've been putting myself down ever since. That's why I feel like such a failure today. I didn't even get a chance to find a career, and I watched many of my peers do just that.

Of course life doesn't always go according to plan. I am living in the present, and it's a pretty awesome life. I just have to keep reminding myself that.

P.S. I miss your blog posts!

animeniac206 said...

Aww, thanks Yin. I've just been kinda lazy/busy. :P

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