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Saturday, May 28, 2011

S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D

Entry written on Wednesday, May 25th...

OMG -- Is today over yet?  I have been super stressed and frustrated.  Being a mother is so stinking hard, and there are times when I think I'm not cut out for it.  *cue vent*

I am on night duty five nights a week while H gets his beauty rest for a full week of work.  At first it wasn't too difficult.  The baby would wake up every 3-4 hours for some food.  I would change his diaper after his feeding, and off he went back to sleepy land.  As he started drinking more of my milk, he would ask for food more often.  This is how it usually works -- wake up, eat, burp, change diaper (about 45 - 60 minutes). Then I pump (15 minutes) and clean all parts and bottles (5 minutes).  I reset his Sleep Sheep timer (set to 45 minutes) and go back to bed.  Next thing you know I hear him crying again.  His Sleep Sheep is still on, and the routine starts all over again. Wahhhh!!!!

He is a month old, and his sleep schedule is supposed to get better.  He should be eating more at each feeding and less often.  He should be able to sleep a 4 hour stretch at night.  The key word is "should."  Obviously he is a total rebel and wants to drive me insane at night.  Grrrrr.

I had less than 3 hours of sleep between 12 AM and 9 AM.  I would have had less than 2 hours if I didn't break down from pure exhaustion and ask H to take over one of his feedings.  I cannot survive off of only 3 hours of sleep, and I get super cranky.  I want him to give me an hour of uninterrupted sleep.  Is that too much to ask for?

I figured out a trick on Monday.  I can co-sleep with him.  Yes, I know it's bad, but he fell asleep while I was pumping.  I didn't want to ruin the perfect opportunity for me to catch some Zzz's.  So I did it.  I slept with him next to me, but I kept waking up to make sure he was okay.  Later that day in the afternoon I decided to sleep with him again.  I was super tired, and I needed a nap.  It worked!  I was able to take a power nap, and the little one enjoyed time in sleepy land.  Success.

Well I tried it again this morning.  Fail!  He screamed bloody murder.  I broke down and called H.  I couldn't take it.  I was so deprived of sleep, and the situation was stressing me out.  I had reached my boiling point.  There wasn't much that I could do. H tried to talk me through it as I cried.  It took me almost 2 hours to calm the baby down and feed him multiple times.  Finally I thought he was ready for bed.  Nope.  I put him next to me for the second time, and he didn't resist.

I break down at least once a week.  I don't want to, but I can't help it.  Caring for an infant isn't easy.  Sleep deprivation isn't healthy.  I have to keep in mind that eventually it will get better.  One day I will be able to sleep through the night.  One day he will change his eating habits.  It will get better.  One day...

When he does sleep, he is soooo adorable and peaceful.

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