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Monday, May 23, 2011

Near Mental Breakdown

Entry started on Saturday, May 14th...

This must be the 10th post that I've started to write but don't have the time to ever complete.  I'm at the point of near mental breakdown, and I absolutely need to vent. This is my warning.  Please do not read past this sentence if you don't want to read about a sad Yin.

Being a mother to a newborn is hard work.  I am so exhausted, and I feel like such a failure.  There are never enough hours in a day, and I can never get enough sleep (does 2 hours in a row count?).  A week after giving birth I was taking care of the baby all by myself during the day.  No help whatsoever.  I try to stay strong, but all I want to do is give up.

This week has been especially tough.  Ninja has reached a growth spurt, which means that he is an eating machine.  It's a constant cycle of feeding him, changing his diaper, putting him to sleep, and pumping breast milk. Before I know it, he is awake again and asking for more food.  I don't even have the time to eat anymore.  When will his eating be back to normal?  I'm waiting.

Then there's the failure known as breastfeeding.  Actually I wouldn't know what that is because I have never successfully done it.  I'm an avid "pumper" because my son does not like my boobs.  Argh.  I am so much of a failure that it took me almost a week to pump out colostrum.  That stuff is supposed to already be there and ready for the baby when he comes out.  I am also an even bigger failure for not having enough time in the day to pump.  I have to go longer periods of time between pumps, and I can't increase my supply to meet the baby's demand.  How can I?  He wants food every 1.5 to 2 hours, and I have to spend it feeding him with a bottle.  I can't pump the same time he wants food, which means that my body can never catch up.  I don't have the luxury of having someone take care of him while I concentrate solely on pumping enough milk for him.  This is all very depressing, and I have cried so many times over my failure.

I haven't left the house since last Sunday.  That was Mother's day, and my MIL made me feel like complete crap.  She pointed out all of my failures, and I wanted to scream so badly.  She touched my stomach and noted how it hasn't gone away yet.  Later my SIL noted that my stomach is barely there anymore, and my MIL had to chime in and correct her.  Then she was disappointed in my lack of milk production.  I was using a hand pump for the first time by the way.  It just wasn't fair.

I need time to myself.  I need time to wind down.  I need time to take a break.  I don't have enough time to take care of myself.  Sigh.


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