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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Defeated -- I Want Carbs

I am on this roller coaster ride called gestational diabetes. It sucks, and I cannot stop talking about how much it sucks. I love food, and I always have (except for those high school years when I wanted to be skinny... a story for another day).  I cried last night because I miss eating waffles.  Yes, I shed tears over waffles!  It's one of Ninja's favorite foods, and he loves to have them at lunch, dinner, and in between snacks (not so much at breakfast).  He also loves the calcium in milk, and we miss our tall glass of 1% milk in the morning.  My kid is Irish, and potatoes are his absolute favorite.  It can be in the form of mashed, fried, or baked.  He loves them all.  Poor kid.  I feel like I'm depriving my own child of the foods he loves to eat.  Sure, you could say that these are just my cravings, but I think that ultimately he has control of what I want to eat.

It was difficult at first learning about my pregnancy and the related food restrictions.  My days of raw fish were over, and all of my meats and eggs would have to be fully cooked.  Lunch meats and hot dogs were out of the question.  Of course I wanted to have all the foods that I wasn't allowed to eat.  It took time, but I moved past it.  I had alternatives.  No more raw sushi for me.  Instead I'll have my rice, nori, and cooked fish and/or veggies.  It wasn't too bad.  I did pay more attention to food labels to make sure that I was eating the absolute best for the little Ninja. 

A low carb diet is a totally different story.  I've been on this diet for three long weeks, and I have been dreading it almost every single day.  I eat healthier, but there are some days when I don't.  Yesterday I wanted to rebel, and I did just that.  I snacked all day, and I didn't eat an actual lunch.  I didn't even plan on eating dinner, but H spent an hour in the kitchen slaving over the meal.  I couldn't just ignore his efforts.  By snacking, I really mean that I just ate carbs (typically fruits) in very small portions throughout the day.  My 8 ounces of milk is also considered a splurge for me.  Milk!  It's the calcium that my kid needs for strong bones, and I actually feel guilty drinking it.

There has to be a way to change this, right?  I just feel constantly deprived.  I'm pregnant, and I feel like a prisoner of the food world.  I'm losing weight when I'm supposed to be gaining.  I have only gained 17 pounds total (losing 2 pounds since the start of my diet), and I doubt the scale has changed much since my weigh in last week.  This isn't fair.

So this isn't forever.  It will go away as soon as the baby is born.  How do I cope with it while I have another 2 months to go?  I'm not sure.  I get so depressed.  I cry over waffles!!  I'm eating less food.  I almost cried in front of a waiter the other night because I felt so defeated.  Sigh.


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