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Friday, February 11, 2011

Being a Housewife/Stay at Home Mom

I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home with the Ninja through my pregnancy and beyond.  Financially, we are pretty well off with no debt in our names, except for our mortgage.  We are living comfortably with one income, as long as we continue to be smart about our spending.  So what's there not to love about my situation?  I get to stay home and relax through my pregnancy.  Once the baby comes, I'll still be here by his side 24/7.  It sounds pretty good, but this is how I'm actually feeling...

I feel like a disappointment.  So many other people are working while pregnant, and it is completely possible to juggle baby and work, especially when the baby is still inside.  I decided not to work because my pregnancy symptoms were getting the best of me, and I couldn't function properly during the 1st trimester.  Sure, I did get better, but I didn't want to go back to work either.  It was a great job to get me through my dry spell, but it wasn't my forever job.  I knew that I had to pursue something else, but I just didn't know what at the time.  I honestly still don't know where my career path could possibly lead me, or if I will ever have a career path at all.  H wants me to go back to school after baby arrives.  I don't know how that is going to work out, especially when I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

It must be nice to be at home with nothing to worry about, right?  Wrong.  Being at home now is similar to being at home when I was unemployed.  While it's nice to think of all the things one can accomplish without having to go to work from 9-5, I don't get much accomplished.  Sure, I clean up the house and try to cross things off my to do list, but it's not as lovely as it sounds.  I don't run errands because I don't like shopping alone.  It's sad.  I think my solution to this problem is simply to create a schedule for myself.  It can vary from day to day, but I should organize my days better.  I say this now with 2.5 months of pregnancy remaining.  Ha.

Then I go back to feeling like a disappointment.  No one looks up to a person who stays at home all day. Trust me.  Only the same people who want to be stay at home mothers look up to you.  Everyone else wonders what the heck I'm doing at home.  I can honestly say that I have not had any adult approval on my decision to be at home, except for my own parents.  So I pretty much feel like crap for being at home and not being a productive member of this society.  I also don't have much support on being a stay at home mother once Ninja arrives.  Everyone assumes that I will go back to working right away.  Eh?  Once Ninja is born, I feel like my role as his mother is even more important than finding an unfulfilling job to pay the bills (aka childcare).

As a result I can have days when I'm constantly doing stuff around the house to make up for my status as a housewife.  There are even times when I put myself and Ninja in danger because I am overworking my body and get so easily exhausted doing the simplest of tasks for an extended amount of time.  There are so many moments when I think, "Oh shoot.  H is going to yell at me when I tell him what I did today."  I constantly feel like I have to prove myself so that I can stay at home without feeling guilty.  Does it help?  Not really.  I still feel guilty, but the levels of guilt does go down a few notches.

What gets me through all of this?  My husband.  He supports me 100%, and he wants me to be at home to take care of Ninja.  I am super lucky, and I wish there were more people out there who would support us instead of looking down on us.  Sigh.

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