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Saturday, September 25, 2010

Looking Back on the Past Year, Pt 2: July 31, 2008 via Vox

It's been a year since my last post in my "Looking Back on the Past Year" series about my overall mental health during my job search process post college.  Since Vox will no longer be in existence, I decided to move my post over here.  It still brings back some awful memories, but I want them to stay online.  It's a reminder of the past and possibly how I've grown up since then.

July 31, 2008


Transitions are the most difficult.  For the past sixteen years I’ve been stuck in the same routine.  The months of September through May were dedicated to waking up each weekday to go to school and coming back home in the afternoon.  Each step higher was a slight transition in itself, but it was nothing too difficult to get used to.  College was the most draining and challenging of those years, but now it’s over.  What to do next?

Society tells me that the next step is starting my career.  Of course I wish it were only that easy to be hired and proudly working for some big employer, but it’s not.  I’m stuck in this position where I no longer look forward to back to school sales.  Instead I’m dreading the next step in my life because it doesn’t seem to be coming any time soon.

What have I done wrong with my life?  Maybe that’s the wrong question because there are plenty of mistakes that have been made.  I followed the route that everyone tells you to go through.  I did the college thing, and now where’s that job?  How do I go about finding it?  Why won’t an employer even respond back?  I’m lost in my own confusion.

Then I’m torn between the next steps from where I am currently.  Without real potential employers wanting me, I have to fill in that time with a part time job.  I look around me, and I’m slacking like no other.  I hate to compare myself, but it naturally comes to me.  I can’t help but see how much of a failure I am compared to those around me.  At the same time I know that my jobless self would be okay in the comforts of my own home where my parents would still support me.  I am no longer in that comfort zone, and thus I have to get myself out there.  I have to work.  I have no choice.  I wish I did.

In the mix of the confusion, I’m faced with the realities of life.  Where there is typically a support system of friends, I have only one, my fiancĂ©/future husband.  For years I’ve been asking myself why.  Why am I such an undesirable friend?  What qualities do I lack?  How do I possess them?  Where is my clique?  College is the time to meet new people, create new bonds of friendship.  I never did such a thing.  Knowing people through class and having so called friendships last for a semester don’t exactly count.  The only time I ever felt like I belonged was probably in elementary school.  Kids were less keen to judging and more accepting.  It started with small groups of friends to even a huge group of friends by my last year there.  It all continued year by year until I hit middle school.  Everyone changed.  I changed.  I was no longer in classrooms with the same group of people all school year long.  I had more interactions with others, and less of them thought I was cool enough.  I always had a few friends, but I never belonged.

The other night someone from high school send a message through facebook.  I knew I was not the intended recipient.  I just pretended like it didn’t happen and ignored it.  I wish it was easier than that though.  I didn’t brush it off my shoulders.  I let it dwell on me my lack of friendships.  I let it hit me that those people were once my friends.  I was once on the outer ring of their circle.  What went wrong?  My invitation to the group was through one person who had gone away for college elsewhere.  With no longer any immediate ties, I was cut off.  One other person in the group was never that inclusive prior to college, but of course her acceptance was easily granted.  Mine was just ignored rejection.  I’m not fond of seeing these people again because I have to move on.  They are no longer my friends.  Friends are those who communicate to one another, and I do no such thing with them.

Before I continue further with my writings on this “new” blog, I’ll have to confess that I am no English expert.  I just write whatever is on my mind, and I try not to censor myself too much.  Grammatical errors will be made, and I could care less.  My blog is not intended to impress anyone.  It’s just my flow of thoughts.


Previously...
Looking Back on the Past Year: The Beginning
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding Work
Looking Back on the Past Year: I Give Up
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding New Inspiration
Looking Back on the Past Year: Escaping
Looking Back on the Past Year: What Happens Now?

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