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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Looking Back on the Past Year, Pt 2: October 28, 2008 via Vox

A lengthy one.

October 28, 2008
Losing Hope

There are times when I really feel like blogging, but I don't know where to express my thoughts.  I really want to leave my xanga behind because it's just a mess of incoherent thoughts and represents a lot of my past.  I also wanted to get a few blogs started, but I was stuck at finding a good user name.  Now I've found the desired user name but don't know what site to use.  It's all a bundle of confusion, and now it brings me to this blog.  What is the purpose of it?  I'm not sure.  I've started over from scratch, and I don't exactly like the first two entries.  I'm afraid that this will become my venting blog because that's why I'm here now...

It's 3:00 AM, and I'm still awake.  My internal clock is officially out of whack, mainly due to staying up until 6:30 AM on the weekend (combination of coffee, studying, and felt flower making).  I wish I could get rid of a lot of my frustrations, but I let them build up inside.  Some times I feel like exploding, but I try to remind myself to stay strong.  Easier said than done.  I wish this was all a nightmare and that I can wake up to happier thoughts.  I feel like such a mess right now.  I need someone to talk to...

It's 3:00 AM.  No one is awake, and I don't have many close friends to turn to.  I can't confide in my one and only because he has more important things to worry about (CCNA cert exam coming up this Friday).  Plus he's not fond of seeing me sad or in tears over my misery.  He understands, while at the same time not being able to comprehend it all.  So I guess I have you, Vox.

I'm jobless (now how many times have I started an entry with that very line..too many to count).  It's torturing me inside more than ever now.  I went from wanting a job in HR, to wanting a job in business, to wanting any freaking job.  Then I got any freaking job and realized what a waste of time that was, and I was hopeful of a good potential job with an interview and all.  I gave up any freaking job, and now I'm back to searching for a job in business.  It's not going so well, and I don't know where to look anymore.

Well I got my official rejection letter from that amazing job I wanted, and it hurts a lot.  I cried, and I tried to push those bad thoughts aside.  It was the perfect job for me being a college graduate and all, and I wanted the job so badly.  Sure, it's an hour away with a horrible commute, but it could have been a good start in my career.  I prepared for my interview with a 5-7 minute presentation on a topic of my choice.  I thought I nailed it.  I answered the questions without hesitation, and I had a great presentation.  I left with happy thoughts, but then I kept waiting to hear back.  I had no way of contacting them (no business card & no contact to the person in charge of hiring -- only a phone interview from her).  Today I just had a hunch that I would get my official rejection.  I originally thought it would be through the mail, but Hubby came back empty handed.  I later received it in my inbox.  Great.  Bring on the tears.  I just feel like a complete and utter failure.

I also had an interview today.  It seemed fishy, and Hubby determined the fishy behind the company.  It was a complete scam.  That made my morning go in a complete whirl.  I woke up feeling bleh knowing that I needed to make a phone call for one job and email another to confirm an interview date.  Then I have an interview at 3:00 PM, and I'm in no way ready.  I forget about the fishy-ness and start preparing.  At this point I think I have two interviews this week, today and tomorrow, and I get excited.  Then Hubby informs me of scam (I'm glad he did), and I get the reply back from the email I sent.  Turns out no interview today due to said scam, and my interview is in fact for next Tuesday the 4th.  I have to wait two weeks for an interview -- not even a special interview, just a freaking lame cafe associate position for ING Direct.  At this point I feel -- I don't even know how to describe it.  I hide it a bit from the Hubby and go on with my day.  I guess the rejection email didn't help.

Today was not a good day at all.  I don't have much hope for the rest of the week either. 


**I did not get that ING Direct position either, even spending over an hour in the interview.  I was also rejected by WSFS as a bank teller.  I even applied to work at Costco (I was desperate and FMIL at the time was disappointed in my lack of work), and I never heard back from them.  The previous job I landed lasted 3 weeks at a law firm in Wilmington filing legal paperwork with 1.5 days of training and a boss in Philly.  Yeah that didn't work out, but it gave me confidence.  Unfortunately that confidence dwindled down to none at all by the end of the year. 

Previously...
Looking Back on the Past Year: The Beginning
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding Work
Looking Back on the Past Year: I Give Up
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding New Inspiration
Looking Back on the Past Year: Escaping
Looking Back on the Past Year: What Happens Now? 
Looking Back on the Past Year, Pt 2: July 31, 2008 via Vox
Looking Back on the Past Year, Pt 2: August 1, 2008 via Vox

Monday, September 27, 2010

Looking Back on the Past Year, Pt 2: August 1, 2008 via Vox

Continuing with my series, here's my second entry originally posted on Vox:

August 1, 2008
Just Give Me One Chance

Today was not a good day.  I spend much of it crying over the sad reality of my current situation.  Although I've known for the past two months the struggles of finding a job, it hit me harder than usual today.  I can't even say that I'm anywhere near close to finding one.  Today it was made official that I can no longer linger around at the University.  By the end of this month I will officially be jobless.  I wish I were closer, closer to a real opportunity.  I get shot down each time I hear of someone's good news because I have none of my own to share with the world.

Why me?  What did I do wrong?  Why don't I deserve a chance?

I feel well qualified.  Okay I do lack that experience in the field, but I make it up with my background.  I've had so many responsibilities in my life, and I have so much to offer.  I have a strong work ethic that has been instilled in me.  The sad thing is that I was so proud of myself after finishing my resume and cover letter.  I saw how good I looked on paper, and my professor had given me such high remarks.  I had a fellow classmate look over it, and he was so impressed by the number of jobs I had listed and my responsibilities.  I was sure that I could do it.  I was sure that I could find a job.  I was so confident in myself.

Am I still confident?  Not at all.

I just want a chance.  One chance.  I'll prove to them how great of a person I am.  I want to be confident.  I really do.

How different would this situation be if I were still living at home?  I don't think I could feel like this much of a failure.  I'm actually sure I wouldn't.  I would have financial support.  I could take my time.

Now I'm stranded.  I'm trapped.  I am a failure.


Previously...
Looking Back on the Past Year: The Beginning
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding Work
Looking Back on the Past Year: I Give Up
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding New Inspiration
Looking Back on the Past Year: Escaping
Looking Back on the Past Year: What Happens Now? 
Looking Back on the Past Year, Pt 2: July 31, 2008 via Vox

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Looking Back on the Past Year, Pt 2: July 31, 2008 via Vox

It's been a year since my last post in my "Looking Back on the Past Year" series about my overall mental health during my job search process post college.  Since Vox will no longer be in existence, I decided to move my post over here.  It still brings back some awful memories, but I want them to stay online.  It's a reminder of the past and possibly how I've grown up since then.

July 31, 2008


Transitions are the most difficult.  For the past sixteen years I’ve been stuck in the same routine.  The months of September through May were dedicated to waking up each weekday to go to school and coming back home in the afternoon.  Each step higher was a slight transition in itself, but it was nothing too difficult to get used to.  College was the most draining and challenging of those years, but now it’s over.  What to do next?

Society tells me that the next step is starting my career.  Of course I wish it were only that easy to be hired and proudly working for some big employer, but it’s not.  I’m stuck in this position where I no longer look forward to back to school sales.  Instead I’m dreading the next step in my life because it doesn’t seem to be coming any time soon.

What have I done wrong with my life?  Maybe that’s the wrong question because there are plenty of mistakes that have been made.  I followed the route that everyone tells you to go through.  I did the college thing, and now where’s that job?  How do I go about finding it?  Why won’t an employer even respond back?  I’m lost in my own confusion.

Then I’m torn between the next steps from where I am currently.  Without real potential employers wanting me, I have to fill in that time with a part time job.  I look around me, and I’m slacking like no other.  I hate to compare myself, but it naturally comes to me.  I can’t help but see how much of a failure I am compared to those around me.  At the same time I know that my jobless self would be okay in the comforts of my own home where my parents would still support me.  I am no longer in that comfort zone, and thus I have to get myself out there.  I have to work.  I have no choice.  I wish I did.

In the mix of the confusion, I’m faced with the realities of life.  Where there is typically a support system of friends, I have only one, my fiancĂ©/future husband.  For years I’ve been asking myself why.  Why am I such an undesirable friend?  What qualities do I lack?  How do I possess them?  Where is my clique?  College is the time to meet new people, create new bonds of friendship.  I never did such a thing.  Knowing people through class and having so called friendships last for a semester don’t exactly count.  The only time I ever felt like I belonged was probably in elementary school.  Kids were less keen to judging and more accepting.  It started with small groups of friends to even a huge group of friends by my last year there.  It all continued year by year until I hit middle school.  Everyone changed.  I changed.  I was no longer in classrooms with the same group of people all school year long.  I had more interactions with others, and less of them thought I was cool enough.  I always had a few friends, but I never belonged.

The other night someone from high school send a message through facebook.  I knew I was not the intended recipient.  I just pretended like it didn’t happen and ignored it.  I wish it was easier than that though.  I didn’t brush it off my shoulders.  I let it dwell on me my lack of friendships.  I let it hit me that those people were once my friends.  I was once on the outer ring of their circle.  What went wrong?  My invitation to the group was through one person who had gone away for college elsewhere.  With no longer any immediate ties, I was cut off.  One other person in the group was never that inclusive prior to college, but of course her acceptance was easily granted.  Mine was just ignored rejection.  I’m not fond of seeing these people again because I have to move on.  They are no longer my friends.  Friends are those who communicate to one another, and I do no such thing with them.

Before I continue further with my writings on this “new” blog, I’ll have to confess that I am no English expert.  I just write whatever is on my mind, and I try not to censor myself too much.  Grammatical errors will be made, and I could care less.  My blog is not intended to impress anyone.  It’s just my flow of thoughts.


Previously...
Looking Back on the Past Year: The Beginning
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding Work
Looking Back on the Past Year: I Give Up
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding New Inspiration
Looking Back on the Past Year: Escaping
Looking Back on the Past Year: What Happens Now?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Happy Birthday to Me


Happy Birthday to me!  I turn 24 today, and I'm so glad to be getting older.  Sounds silly, right?  Well I've been 23 for the past two years, and it's about time that I started aging.  I am looking forward to my 24th year of living and what it has in store for me and the hubby.  I have no plans for the day, except to get some more testing done.  Hoping for a great day today, despite my current health.  Birthday... woot!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Health Update

I'm still on a steady decline (some days are worse than others).  I've seen the doctor and made a visit to the hospital for one of my tests.  I have a few more scheduled for tomorrow, and I hope some results can be found.  Today's goal is to condition myself to be normal again, despite the physical pain.  I can't say that it's working out too well, but it's progress.  I get easily tired after attempting at a task.  :(

Some days it's really difficult to stay strong.  My physical health also affects my emotional health, and I'm one huge mess right now.  Having much more time to myself means that I think too much.  It's a bummer that I'm stuck in bed, on the couch, or sitting down most of the time.  Sleeping helps me forget about the pain and stops me from thinking too.  Unfortunately, I fall asleep in pain and wake up to it too.  Human interaction does make me feel better.  I also like balloons (thanks hubby).

One day at a time.