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Friday, September 25, 2009

Looking Back on the Past Year: What Happens Now?

I'm back home. I use the first couple of weeks to adjust. I still have that great excuse of being in a different country to divert all of those annoying job related questions, and it worked.. for a little while. How long could I keep using that excuse? As much as I had hoped to come back with a renewed sense of hope and confidence, I didn't. My emotional state was the same as when I had left.

While I gave up on myself, others did not give up on me. There were wonderful people out there who wanted to help. They kept an eye out for me. Whenever a possible job opportunity came up at their work, I would get the head's up. I wanted to apply. I wanted to look at the websites, but I couldn't gather up the will to do it. It got to the point where even looking at a job ad would bring me to tears. The past couple of months had been pure torture, and every little reminder flooded my thoughts with those memories. My hope had been crushed so many times before. I didn't want to subject myself to the process again.

I also lost the will to do a lot of things I originally enjoyed doing. I lost my ability to be creative and craft. Some days I would have a huge urge, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I also avoided cooking, something that I had gained interest in only a few months before. It was like there was a weight on my shoulders, preventing me from doing anything. I spent more and more hours in front of the computer, trying to forget about my problems. Some days I would try to create a routine for myself, and it didn't always work out. I did continue reading blogs. It may sound stupid, but they kept me alive during the lowest time of my life. I gained inspiration by reading what others wrote. I spent many times throughout the day refreshing my Google Reader, hoping for a new update to read.

Then I took the plunge. I went to my favorite wedding blog, and I posted on the boards. I just wanted to let it out, tell strangers what I was going through. There is such a supportive community on Weddingbee, and I knew that there was a possibility that I could gain some support and insight. Sometimes it's hard to just release your thoughts and feelings to total strangers. I feared that they might judge me, but I knew the benefits would outweigh my fears. It did. The responses were positive. There were other people out there just like me, going through the same emotional process. I felt a sense of relief. I let it out on the Internet for all to see...

"... Unfortunately I have been hit so many times with disappointment since then that I just gave up. I am mentally beat up from this process, and I don't want to try anymore. Opportunities have come my way and fallen through each time. Each rejection has ripped my heart into pieces, and I just can't take it anymore. I lost hope, confidence, faith, and myself through this process. I am tired of people telling me what I am doing wrong. I looked in every direction that they told me to. I applied for the jobs that they suggest, and they don't understand how gruesome it is out there. It is difficult to understand how this process of unemployment can mentally and emotionally affect someone unless you have gone through it yourself. I never thought it would be this difficult and hurt this much... " - Unemployment Woes from my post on Weddingbee

Previously...
Looking Back on the Past Year: The Beginning
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding Work
Looking Back on the Past Year: I Give Up
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding New Inspiration
Looking Back on the Past Year: Escaping

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