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Sunday, September 13, 2009

Looking Back on the Past Year: I Give Up

Previously I...
  • worked at a law firm for 3 long, miserable weeks
  • left with renewed hope and confidence
Unfortunately life doesn't always pan out as expected, and this was definitely the case for me. I quit my job at the law firm, but I didn't have a job to replace it with either. I was okay with the lack of money in my bank account. I just wanted to find a job that was a better fit for me. I certainly did not want to waste my life away and be miserable.

My renewed hope and boost of confidence didn't last for long. The economy was continuing to get worse. There were less jobs available and way too many people in the market. I could see huge changes in the six months I had been in the job market, and it certainly was not in my favor. My hope disappeared. I didn't get that job in Pennsylvania. I was back where I first started. Slowly I started sinking back into the normal routine. I gave up on finding a suitable job, and I was back to finding any job available. I applied to work at the cafe inside ING Direct serving coffee. I applied to be a bank teller with WSFS. I got interviews for both jobs. I never did hear back from ING Direct, and they hired high school graduates over me for the bank teller job.

I officially gave up. I quit. Even though I didn't want either one of those jobs, I also did not want to be rejected. I didn't get the one job that I desperately wanted. I was falling apart and giving in to self destruction. Constantly people would ask me about my job situation. They all had the same reaction to my answer. They all looked down upon me. Not one of them thought that I was doing enough or looking in the right places. They all assumed that I just stayed home and did nothing all day. It got to the point where I just wanted to scream, but all I could do was politely answer their questions and walk away. I hated family events because it meant that I had to face my problem. I'm starting to tear up right now as I type because it was just a sad time in my life. I would go in my room and hide in the closet, crying until I exhausted myself. I hated my situation.

I really did give up. I stopped applying for jobs. I deleted every single one of the emails from Career Builder and Monster. I stopped writing cover letters. I stopped mailing my resumes. I took my focus away from looking for a job because it was literally destroying me. Emotionally, I was a wreck. Each rejection hurt more than the last, and I was drowning in despair.

When I had to face reality, I tried to not let anyone in my world. I tried to be cheerful and optimistic around them. Inside I was crying. Everyone assumes it's easy to find a job. They all liked to give me suggestions. It felt like they were stabbing me repeatedly instead. I tried everything they suggested. I had already applied for those types of jobs. It really isn't that easy. I just hid all of my emotions from others. I would later take those feelings with me and cry to myself at night.

Even though I quit searching for a job, I didn't quit on life. Instead of facing my problem, I turned away. I focused my energy elsewhere, and it changed my life completely...

Previously:
Looking Back on the Past Year: The Beginning
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding Work

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