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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Looking Back on the Past Year: Escaping

While I thought crafts had saved me from the emotional ride of unemployment, it was only temporary. As much as I wanted to push my problems away, they were always there staring me in the face. Part of me didn't believe that I would quit so easily, so quickly, but I did. I was lost, and I did not want to go back. Weeks turned into months, and I was falling apart at an exponential rate. I tried to write down my feelings, hoping it would make me feel better to let it out. Sometimes it did, and other times I felt worse.

"Time had flown by so quickly these past couple of months. It feels like everyday is the same with slight variations. Monotony can make time fly. Even though that can be a good thing at times, it doesn't seem to benefit me. I've fallen into a depressed state, and it continually gets worse. Unfortunately it's not one of those things that get better in time; it only gets worse." - Excerpt from Personal Journal

The most difficult part of this whole process was losing confidence in myself. Every time I saw a potential job come my way, I had to have zero confidence in myself. Hope was nonexistent. If I let myself give in, then I would fall and burn so hard when the rejection came my way. Sometimes I wouldn't even hear back from employers, and that hurt just as much as the official rejection in email form. There were some leads, and by that point I had conditioned myself to not feel any strong emotions. I was pessimistic, more pessimistic than ever because I had to be. Those leads went no where. Those opportunities turned into my problems. I couldn't overcome the impact of each rejection. Each one would hurt more than the last. I found myself so emotionally damaged that I wanted to just escape.

"I looked forward to the holidays this year, while at the same time I feared it coming. Even though I tried to prepare myself for the bad (endless job questions), I wasn't prepared for the other feelings to come out of it. I try to keep a straight face, but it's hard at times. So what other feelings came out? Frustration. Inadequacy. Anger. Sadness. Maybe it's because I was around more people these past two days, and normal interaction would yield such results? Nonetheless, it hurt my insides, and I feel miserable. As I constantly compare myself to others, I fall short in every way. What good am I? Sigh. Oddly enough there is some sort of good news out there. Unfortunately I've been conditioned not to react in excitement. I fear the pain that will result if I allocate some hope. " - Excerpt from Personal Journal


That's what I did. I escaped. I ran as far away from my problems as I possibly could. I went back home, the motherland. I wish I could say that I went back solely for the purpose of enjoying vacation with my parents and seeing the motherland in its full glory for the first time, but I didn't. Sure that was part of it, but the other part was me escaping. I couldn't handle the questions anymore. I couldn't handle the thought of people saying, "You still don't have a job?" This was my excuse. I was going to leave the country for 5 weeks, and maybe if I came back my problems would disappear. That's some wishful thinking, but I thought it was really possible at the time. Once I was thousands of miles away, I realized that this was only temporary. My problems were still there, even in a different country. I couldn't possibly run away from them. I still worried about what others thought. I still worried about the future with no job and no will to continue looking. I was upset with myself. I was upset at my situation. No distance could take my fears away.

"I had a bad reason for coming here. I wanted to sound like I was doing something with my life. I didn’t want to stay at home and still be a bum. I want people to stop asking me about whether or not I have a job. I wanted a break from the questions and the feeling of being completely useless. It sounds better to tell people that I’m doing something other than sitting at home every day waiting for you to come home from work." - Excerpt from Letter to Hubby

"I just want to escape from my problems, whether it be with my mother or with my lack of a job. It’s been hard not to think about those things, and I feel trapped. I wouldn’t be here if I had a job. If I wasn’t here, then I wouldn’t have to deal with my mother. It all turns back to me being insufficient. I’m not good enough for anyone to hire me. College education means nothing. Being a good, hard working person means nothing. Having a strong work ethic… who cares? I hate life. It’s not fair. When people see me they’re not supposed to see failure. They’re supposed to see a successful, strong woman. I would disappoint every person who ever believed in me if they could see how much of a failure I’ve become." - Excerpt from Letter to Hubby


Even though I was still an emotional mess, I did find a piece of myself while I was there. In China I wrote every single day. I wrote to Hubby, and I told him everything from what I ate that day to my emotional status. It was a release for me. I dug into my problems instead of ignoring them. It wasn't easy. I spent many times crying as I typed because it would hit an emotional chord inside me. Months later I wonder if that jump started my desire to write and continue my blogging life. Well that letter to Hubby turned out to be 100 pages long. That's practically a novel!

What will happen when I return back to the States? Will I come back a new woman? Will I head towards the path of self destruction? You'll just have to wait and see. =)

Previously...

Looking Back on the Past Year: The Beginning
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding Work
Looking Back on the Past Year: I Give Up
Looking Back on the Past Year: Finding New Inspiration

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