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Monday, June 15, 2009

About Therapeutic Blogging

I blogged a lot in high school (more like my senior year since blogging had just hit big back then), and I blogged even more in college. Sometimes I would write about the dumbest things -- like listing everything I did that day. Other times I would just rant to no end, not even considering who would be reading it. Most of my entries were probably just rants, and that's when I opened up the most. If I got into a fight with my mother, I would just sign into xanga, and type out every single feeling going through my body at that very moment. It was therapeutic, and by the time I hit send I felt so much better. Prior to blogging I would just call up a friend and spill the beans. Before that, I had the good old fashioned pen and paper. Blogging was the easiest release for me. Friends can't always be available 24/7 (they do work, eat, and sleep after all), but as long as I had access to the internet, my blog was always there for me.

As I got older and became more aware of my audience, I slowly stepped back from blogging about my feelings. My rants usually represent my feelings at the strongest point. Reason may or may not be present. I learned to just suck in it and cry to myself. Sometimes I would hide in the closet -- the only place where I felt safe and in my own space. I would cry until the tears stopped flowing. The anger or sadness would still be present, but I eventually got back up and faced the world again. Every now and then I go back to blogging when I'm at an all time low, but then I hesitate and stop for a moment. I think about the consequences of my words. I think about the reaction it might bring about. Sometimes I'll write a few sentences, paragraphs even, and then I'll hit control + A (select all) + delete. It all goes away. It never goes public.

Well I'm at one of those low points. I've cried. I hid from the world by escaping to the bathroom (my new "closet"). Now I'm blogging. After the second or third round of crying I realized one of the best releases for me is to just write about it. I thought back on all of those times that my blog has been there for me. I remembered how therapeutic it is to have someone listen, even if they cannot respond or console me. No one has to read any words that were written in my entry, but I feel better knowing that I let it out. I'm not afraid to let everyone know.

While this entry didn't go into any details about the situation or my feelings, I feel better already. Blogging is therapeutic. I have to keep reminding myself. I have a new blog after all, and I can't hide from the world. This is who I am. I rant on my blogs. I have feelings. I have emotions. I break down. I am human. I hope this will open my eyes and make me less scared to just write what is on my mind. In the end, I will hit send and feel better than ever (well definitely better than I first started tying this entry). I can worry about the reprecussions later. People can judge me. I need to stop caring about what others think anyways (I'll discuss more about this later), and this will be my start.

I will not sugar coat my life in this blog. Be prepared to see me for who I am. I need to face the world. It's not always pretty. I am not perfect, and I will never strive to be perfect. Welcome to my life. I think a lot (well duh, that is the title of my blog), and I will not be afraid to write about it. Sometimes life will be great. Sometimes life will be complete crap. I'm going to share that with everyone. I need to finally be myself for once.


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