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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

About Life Not Being Fair

Life is not fair. It never has been, and it never will be.

The owner of the house rejected our request for the roof and heating to be replaced. We will not be going any further with the process and will have to back down. It saddens me that he didn't even come back with the offer to help us with these costs. Even though both the roof and heating technically have a few more years left (both are 20+ years old), they will need to be replaced within the next year or two. We cannot afford to buy a house that needs such major repairs right after purchasing, especially for the price that we would have been paying. It doesn't make much sense to us, and I'm sure it wouldn't make much sense to any buyer. I really had my heart set on that house, especially after the buyer accepted our offer. I envisioned living there with Hubby and the future kiddos. I was so excited to be packing up everything and starting a new chapter in my life with Hubby. Now we're back at square one.

I do understand that the owner is attached to the house. It's the place he called home for the past 44 years. He raised his family in this house, and it holds so many special memories. I imagine him as Carl's character in the Pixar movie Up. His wife passed away a year ago, and I am sure he is still mourning. I don't think he wants to give it up.

A couple hundred dollars down the drain (possibly another $2k as well), and I'm so disappointed. I guess I knew all along that the seller would not accept our request. It just hurts more when it is official. I didn't prepare myself enough for this disappointment though. I don't even know why I have to mentally prepare for disappointment. It can't be normal. I would love to think that everything happens for a reason. I just want to know the reason.

While I'm ranting, I might as well add that I HATE Valero. They're just like every other big corporation, and it disgust me to see how they operate their business. I want to write one nasty letter to them, but then I know that it's just a waste of my time. I guess I'm just worried for Hubby.

There's another thing that has been bothering me.. my unemployment. I think I am depressed. Hubby says otherwise. I keep digging myself into a deeper hole. I am afraid that I will enter self destruct mode. The next time someone asks about my job status I'll just cry in front of them. Maybe that will teach them to stop asking.

I'm also thinking about my past. A lot of people ask about my younger sister. I tell them that she turned emo and that we never speak to one another. It's true. It still hurts me to think back on how it used to be, and sometimes I can't help but to blame myself for everything. I did make some mistakes along the way, and I wish I could take them back. A few years ago I would have never imagined that this would happen. I lost my favorite sister, and things will never be the same again.

The lesson of this rant is that life isn't fair. There is no way to have your cake and eat it too. I can only see more disappointments to come. I am falling into a not so happy state. How can I be happy when so much is falling down around me? I am so tired of crying.

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