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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

About Disappointments

Disappointments are part of life. You can't go without it, but you certainly don't want to go through with it either. I've had my fair share throughout my life just like any other normal person. Unfortunately life hasn't been treating me so well. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I have this theory that because of my luck in the love department I can't have anything else work out for me.

It's been a full year since I graduated from college... one whole year. Where am I now? I'm at the same place I was a year ago.. jobless. Actually, I was better off this time last year because I was still working with Bill and Linda at the I.D. office. I was also optimistic about the future and finding a job. Now all of that has disappeared. I looked for months, giving up at times. Then I would get myself back up and try again. I had plenty of interviews, none of which resulted in a real job. I took up a horrible job in a law firm, and that actually gave me the push I needed to get back in the market for a better job, something that required my brain smarts from my college degree. Once I got back in, I got shot right back down. I didn't get that perfect job that I wanted. I was told by multiple people that my resume looked great. I had opportunities come my way, but I knew better than to have any hope. Of course I was let down each time, and I can't help but to let that disappointment set in. I just gave up. I didn't want to get hurt anymore. I was already being pushed to the limit, and somehow another thing would come up and it would hurt me some more. It's hard to understand the pain that one goes through in this process. While I want people to understand me, I also don't want them to ever go through the emotional process.

It's gotten to the point where I just train myself to not get excited over anything that comes my way. I have to be pessimistic. I tossed hope out the window over 6 months ago. Along with that went my confidence as well. I just condition myself to understand that most likely I will face disappointment.

I know I'm a good person deep down inside. My intentions are always good, and I try to treat everyone with respect. I am also a hard worker, someone who actually strives to do well, even working at a job that pays near minimum wage. What have I done wrong? Why is life kicking me in the butt?

I'm just tired of disappointments. I'm tired of being put down by every little thing in life. I just want to get my confidence back. I want to believe again. I want to be able to hope for something and not be hurt each and every time. I don't think I can get back up. I gave up, and it feels impossible to ever try again. I just can't take much more of it.

Now another disappointment will be coming its way, and I don't want to be mentally prepared for it. I don't want to condition myself to prevent the pain from seeping in too fast. I just want it to hurt full force. I want to break down to the point where I just go crazy. I need to let it happen.


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