A Lot On My Mind

I have taken a break from blogging and many other activities as well. I have been a bit "off" as of late, and I'm not sure how to get out of this funk. I think I am just so overwhelmed by the thoughts that are usually racing in my head. I can't even concentrate on one thought for more than a minute before something else comes up.

My life seems very simple. Take care of child, husband, and home. While it sounds easy, it's not. The daily everyday tasks are so much harder to do with an active child added to the mix. My "job" never ends, and I feel so unaccomplished by the end of the day because there is always so much more that needs to be done. Sigh.

his adorable squinty eye smiles helps me get through those long days

I spend a lot of time thinking about my past. I don't know why. I just do  My husband only remembers the good things in life and never dwells upon the bad. I remember it all. I think about the bad decisions I have made in my life and wish I could have done things differently. I also think about the good happy memories of times spent with my husband. I think about those memories and long for the carefree nature of our relationship to return. Then reality sets back in, and I think about how impossible that is now with a child.

one of our spur of the moment adventures to HMart with the top down in the Miata last February

I spend a lot of time thinking about the future too. My little kiddo is growing up, and every little new development brings him one step closer to being a toddler. He is always changing, and we are always adapting to new routines. How will our family be different 6 months from now? Then I think of where we will be a year from now. What about 5 years from now? Will I still be a SAHM? Will we have more kids? So many questions. The future kind of scares me because it is the unknown. Do I have control of my future? Do I know where I'm headed?

what will our family photo look like next year?

I think a lot. That would explain the name of this blog...

Yashica - 1st Roll of Film

Tada! Here is H's first roll of film shot in black and white with his Yashica Mat 124G.

 

his car in the garage

our super lame unbalanced living room that is always a work in progress


editing photos & daydreaming about yummy food


drinking water like it's my job


our Christmas tree with lots of presents underneath


date night at European Bistro


Baby E waits for lunch


feeding Baby E one spoonful at a time

 

a view inside our disorganized mess of a closet & check out his camera!

the refinery

With both rolls of film developed, we are super excited to keep experimenting with our special cameras. I didn't think I would be the type to ever get into photography, but the appeal is definitely drawing me in. Plus it's an extra bonus to have such a cute subject to work with (yes, that's you Baby E). I'm thinking of getting another toy camera that uses 35mm film. It would give me more freedom to click as many times as I want, and it's cheaper to develop. While I'm dreaming, maybe I'll even add an instant camera to my wish list. :)

Holga - 1st Roll of Film

It has been 8 years since I last shot a roll of film. Before digital cameras, I was rocking my simple Fuji Nexia Q1 recording my high school years. I would keep clicking until my roll ran out and bring it to Costco to process. An hour later, I would have the pictures in hand and enjoyed looking at each one of my pictures over and over again. I was by no means camera savvy. I just loved to document my life in photos.

As you may have noticed, H is the main photographer in our family. I do the behind the scene work - editing. I know very little about photography and the functions on a digital DLR. Over the years I have learned to click and hope that the picture is in focus. I don't mess with the settings and occasionally I will get a pretty awesome shot. More likely they end up being not so great.

A few months ago I was at Urban Outfitters with $30 credit. All clearance items were an additional 50% off, and I scored a Holga 120n with flash for only $20. Score! H bought me some film, and I slowly started clicking away. I'll admit that I was scared. I only had 12 chances for a decent photo from a single roll, and it took me a few months to complete. I'm stupid and did absolutely no research. As a result, only 7 of the 12 images were printable. The rest were underexposed and shot indoors. Lesson learned. Use flash!

The following images were sent to Cameras Etc. and developed locally. Woot!

Classic Baby E -- hat, booties, bib, hand knit sweater from Linda, and chillin' in his stroller surrounded by leaves

 

H and Baby E in font of the house

 

father & son -- adorable!

 

getting ready for an adventure with mommy & daddy

 

not so awesome out of focus shot of Baby E in the car

 

under exposed shot of my ceramic Christmas tree

outside of Perkins Student Center on campus

While they are not the best shots ever taken in the history of photography, I think they turned out somewhat decent. Remember I am a total amateur. Seeing the results and actually having to wait for the pictures to develop makes the whole process so rewarding. Film photos have such a classic appeal to them that digital cannot capture. I am looking forward to using my next roll of film and experimenting some more.

P.S. I think H was a wee bit jealous. A few weeks later he purchased a Yashica Mat 124 G off of eBay.  He shot in black and white, and his camera requires more technicalities than my simple toy camera. His film is still being processed and will hopefully come in on Friday. We're looking forward to it!

xoxo

Hoping your day is filled with lots of love.

Baby E on Video Chat

Baby E on January 9th in a video chat with H - 8.5 months

After waking up from his afternoon nap, I brought Baby E over to the laptop for a quick chat with H, and he was such a character. I just want to eat him up. Yum! He could not stop smiling and just being super awesome. Yup, that's my kid. <3

The Reason Why I Haven't Written My Birth Story

It's been 8.5 months since Baby E was born, and I have yet to write my birth story. I told myself that I would jot everything down and write it as soon as possible. Well that didn't happen. I found that each time I started to write the entry, I would get upset over the details. I had a pretty bad labor, and it have very little to do with my body and a lot to do with the hospital staff.

When I was pregnant it was easy for me to decide on having a hospital birth. I had no doubt that the professionals would know what they were doing. If I needed medical intervention, the hospital would be there for me. It just seemed like the normal thing to do. Women go to the hospital every single day to give birth. I never considered having a doula or midwife by my side, even though I had heard great things about them through other bloggers.

I knew that complications could arise in labor, and I tried to read up on as much as possible. I just didn't think about labor outside the possible complications. What about the hospital staff?

Here are just a few details that sucked about my labor...

Detail #1: The nurse who evaluated me upon arriving at the hospital wasn't very nice. I told her that I wanted to go through labor naturally, and she scoffed at me. Then she did an internal exam, and I whimpered in pain. She said that there was no way I could have a natural birth if I thought that was painful. By the way, another nurse also gave me an internal exam when I was further along, and it was actually quite pleasant with no pain at all. The previous nurse was just a mean person.

Detail #2: They placed an IV immediately in my arm "just in case." I didn't like that but didn't know any better. I did have an epidural, and I did need the IV after all, but I did not want to be hooked up to the monitor when I was going through labor naturally. I felt like I was confined to the bed, and going to the bathroom was a pain in the butt. It would have taken very little time for them to insert the IV when I needed to have it. Ugh.

Detail #3: After hours of extreme pain, I opted for an epidural (the anesthesiologist was great & everything went well). I didn't know that they would hook me up to the blood pressure monitor for the rest of my labor -- almost 10 hours! Imagine being in the final stage of labor and pushing while having the monitor squeeze your arm. Yeah I needed to stand up for myself and tell them to take the damn monitor off of my arm. They still had me hooked up, even after Baby E was born.  The monitor had squeezed everything out of my arm, and I barely had enough strength to carry my son.

Detail #4: Not a single doctor came to see me while I was in labor (I was admitted at midnight and Baby E was born at 1:43 PM) until the last 30 minutes of pushing. My OB was on vacation, and the on call doctor never came to see me. I had talked to him the night before, and I never heard from him again. Also note that my OB's practice is located at the hospital. I was told that Dr. ABC was going to be my doctor for delivery. Then I was told Dr. XYZ was going to be delivering my baby.  Well neither one of them were there, and I don't even know the name of the doctor who was in the delivery room.

It was bad, and I wish it had gone better. I wish I had voiced my concerns during and even after labor. I did not want to cause any problems, and I kept quiet. Stupid me. I learned a lot from my experience, and I hope to change my birth plan the next time around. I may just forgo the hospital part and give birth at a birth center. Shocking, right? I just don't want to go through the same mess all over again.

Despite the not so great parts of my labor, I did end up meeting the most incredible little baby ever. The moment he was placed on my chest, all of my worries melted away. :)

Video Mondays: Elliot Talks!

Baby E on July 20th - 3 months old

Video Mondays are back! It's hard to believe that our super mobile 8.5 month kiddo used to be that tiny and chubby. I loved his talkative phase, and I really miss it. I watch this video every now and then as a reminder of how much he has grown in the last couple of months. It's hard to believe that he will be celebrating his first birthday very soon. Enjoy the video!

Whiny Baby E

This picture pretty sums up this past week -- a super whiny Baby E. He was in mid whine as I snapped this picture, and he just kept going and going and going. He made the week really unbearable, and it could not go by any slower. Sigh.

The reason? I'm still not sure. He could be teething, which would explain the excessive drooling. If he was so whiny during the day, you would think it would carry on to his sleep schedule at night, right? Nope. Just all whine during the day and peaceful sleeping through the night. Possibly his schedule is still thrown out of whack from the holidays, and the whining has become part of his new phase?  

Of course one moment he could be super happy and laughing. Then the next moment he is in melt down mode, whining away. I just don't get it, and maybe that adds on to my frustration. I wish he could communicate his problems and we could solve this mystery.  

Despite the super whiny week, I still love my little booger. All it takes is one huge squinty eye smile of his to make a bad day turn into a great one.  :)

So I Quit Facebook...

... and I survived! Okay it's really not a big deal, but one day I just got fed up with Facebook. I quit and haven't looked back. I honestly don't know why I stayed on there for so long or why I wasted so much of my time keeping up to date on my so called "friends." It was an unhealthy addiction, and I needed to realize my problem and eliminate it from my life.

As much as I dislike the social networking site, I can't forget that Facebook played a small part in my relationship with my husband. He "poked" me, and that jump started our friendship. That simple poke from a guy in my Accounting class turned into a relationship and now a family. Crazy.

I know this post doesn't really explain the reasons why I left, but I don't really need to type it all out. I am growing up, and Facebook is now part of my past. So if you are on Facebook and assumed that I deleted you from my friend's list, I did not. I am moving on.

Baby E's First Christmas

Even though Christmas was a stressful time for me, it was also extra special because it was Baby E's very first Christmas. Last year he celebrated with us inside the womb...

The tiny little being inside of me at 22 weeks turned into an 8 month old boy this year...

family photo (rare for us) in front of the Christmas tree at my in-law's

We tired our best to incorporate our usual Christmas traditions. H and I considered buying a fake tree this year, but we decided against it. We wanted Baby E to experience everything that we love about Christmas, and having a real tree was essential. He even helped put up the ornaments!  

putting the ornaments on the tree one by one


we're super excited!

On Christmas morning Baby E woke up super early at 5am, and all of us went downstairs to open presents under the tree. Of course he was more interested in a plastic Mr. Potato Head ear than his presents. We kept it low key this year and only bought him a few gifts. I have a feeling we will be spoiling him next year when he is able to understand and enjoy the holiday.

gnawing at his Mr. Potato Head ear


H and Baby E testing out a new toy

While I would have loved to stay home for the rest of the weekend, we had plans to spend it with our families. It may have been a stressful Christmas for us as a whole, but we survived.  It was Baby E's very first Christmas and one that we will never forget.